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CHICAGO
- Scientists today announced the results of seven years
of studies to determine the effect of different diets on
an individual's longevity. The study is expected
to drastically change nutritionists' views on the way
Americans live and eat.
Paul ButterBraker,
chairman of the Chicago Institute of Nutritional
Research, explained the findings at today's news
conference. "The research data showed an extremely
high correlation between longevity and a regular diet of
a certain combination of disodium phosphate, sodium
citrate, fumaric acid, yellow #5, blue #1, BHA, sugar,
gelatin, and several flavorings. This combination
is more commonly known as lime Jello."
| ButterBraker claims the
survey data clearly showed that areas of the US with the
highest per capita consumption of lime Jello also had
some of the best longevity figures. Of particular
note are results from Utah, the state with a higher per
capita consumption of lime Jello than any other state.
The study found that, on average, Utah residents consume
more than 150 pounds of lime Jello per person each year,
more than twice the consumption of any other state. Not
surprisingly, Utah has some of the lowest mortality
figures from heart disease, cancer, lung disease and
many of the other leading causes of death.
The study
may just be confirming what some Utahns
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already know. "It doesn't surprise me one bit,"
said Judy Smithwood, a long time resident and jello junkie. "It's
almost a main dish for many of our get-togethers, church
socials, scout banquets, and family dinners. I
learned how to make it from my mom, and I'm sure she
learned how to make it from hers."
Sales of lime Jello have skyrocketed,
emptying store shelves and causing near riot conditions. In desperation.
many people have had to resort to eating strawberry, cherry, apricot,
or other flavors of Jello, in spite of the fact that data on these
flavors has been inconclusive.
The rush on the Utah
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